What are you Asking For?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat down with a client and asked them what they want and they’ve listed off all the things they don’t want.

But we’ve all done it, right? I know I have. You know what isn’t working for you in life so you’re like ‘Yeah, that. I don’t want that.’

Some of these might sound familiar…
I don’t want to be poor
I don’t want to be fat
I don’t want to feel tired all the time
I don’t want to be treated this way
I don’t want to feel stressed
I don’t want to work all the time
I don’t want to be in pain
I don’t want to cry all the time

The problem is, our subconscious mind works in pictures and doesn’t understand negative statements. So, if I tell you “Under no circumstances are you to think of a bright pink elephant” you can’t help but create an image of a pink elephant. Your subconscious mind doesn’t even acknowledge that I asked you not to do it.

So when you keep repeating your mantra of ‘I just don’t want to stressed anymore“, your mind just keeps creating images that represent you being stressed, even if you don’t realize it. The images then trigger an emotional response (which usually makes you feel like crap).

The faster and more frequent these images come up, the more they ingrain into your subconscious as a belief (you can read more about beliefs here).

Then, the Reticular Activating System (RAS) part of your brain works as a filtration system. Humans typically receive around 50 million pieces of information per second through our five senses but our RAS filters out most of it and only delivers to our conscious mind that which it believes is relevant to us, which is around 50 pieces.

How is this relevant?

Well, our RAS finds all the information or ‘evidence‘ it can to back up our belief systems, and anything that contradicts our beliefs will be completely filtered out and won’t even show up on your radar. So, if you keep focusing on your poverty, it will become your belief and even when you receive prosperity in your life, it will go over your head altogether because it doesn’t support your belief of poverty.

The misconception is that we assume that if we say we don’t want something, then we are obviously asking for the opposite.

This is wrong.

By saying you don’t want to be sad, you are not asking for happiness.
By saying you don’t want to feel tired, you are not asking to feel energized.
By saying you don’t want to be treated badly, you are not specifying how you do want to be treated.

Get practiced on asking for exactly what you do want instead of what you don’t want.

Stop saying “no” to what you don’t want and start saying “yes” to what you do want.

What have you been calling into your life by saying what you don’t want?
Can you think of a new statements that states what you do want?
Write down that statement now and then list 10 – 15 things you can think of to back up this new statement.

Follow the Nudges

Have you ever noticed the clues and signs we receive along this road we call life? The synchronicities and the coincidences? The little nudges we receive to point us into the right direction?

Have you ever had that “gut” feeling that you couldn’t explain but trusted fully? Have you ever followed your heart? Have you ever known something without anyone else first telling you?

The nudges are all around us and we have become oblivious to them even though we follow them religiously.

When you feel hungry, you know it’s time to eat. That’s a nudge saying that your fuel tank is running low and it’s time to top up… and you obey.

When you see a car speeding towards you, you know it’s time to get out of the way. That’s a nudge telling you danger is very close and you need to move… and you obey.

When you hear the doorbell ring, you know to open the door. That nudge is telling you you have a visitor… but it’s up to you if you obey or pretend you’re not home... Or is that just me?

My point is that there are nudges all around us. You can label them whatever you want. God, the Universe, Source energy, Intuition, Nature or anything else. It’s not important.

There is a bigger picture, a higher power at work and just because we cannot comprehend or fully understand it all, doesn’t mean we can’t benefit from it.

What is important is that you listen to the calling.

This also includes your emotions. You’re emotions are there to tell you something important. Sometimes you need to deal with something lurking in the back of your mind before you can move on. Your emotions (especially repeat ones) are your nudges to face whatever it is that you need to face so that you can go through (and learn) whatever it is that you needed to in order to shed your old skin and grow.

There are signs and nudges everywhere, and if you chose to, you will see them too and can use them to guide you.

Sometimes our biggest problem is that we have too many options. First world problems, right?

How many times have you been asked “what do you want for dinner?” and you’ve racked your brain for an answer, but you can’t think of a meal you’d like to eat. Whereas if, instead, you was asked “What do you want for dinner, Pasta or salad?” It would be a lot easier to make up your mind.

If you follow the nudges, it takes the anxiety and stress out of making the “right” decision for fear of making the “wrong” one. Sometimes our brains can make a mountain out of a mole hill and dramatize something that really doesn’t need to be that complicated.

I receive nudges constantly. I receive signs and synchronicities that tell me I’m on the right path or perhaps I need to course-correct a little. It has helped me tremendously and I am getting quite good at learning to listen to my intuition more too.

If I see or hear something continuously and repeatedly, I might even google ‘spiritual meaning of a crow‘ or ‘ what does the number 4 symbolize?” The answer always blows me away as it’s always something I’m going through, dealing with or struggling with.

Life is rich with options and inspiration but if you’re feeling stuck, you might want to read this.

I invite you to be open to looking for the nudges that life is trying to give you. I invite you to be open to some love, guidance and a helping hand.

Making Upgrades

Do you ever dream up all the things you’d do and buy if you had the money? Like if you was born rich or suddenly won the lottery?

I know I do. I think ‘If money was no problem I’d buy these clothes or go on that holiday.’

But do you just accept defeat and that it’s a fantasy? Or do you make plans to make those things happen?

Sometimes we think we have no options because we don’t have the money to fund our dream life. But we can make small upgrades in different areas of our lives to help us get closer to where we want to be.

What do I mean by this? Imagine each upgrade is like a promotion towards your dream life. The more you upgrade your life, the more promotions you get and the closer you are to where you want to be.

I’m not saying you have to start saving your money to buy a mansion, but if you hate where you’re living, you could look into your options on moving, or even find a way to spruce up your current home to give it a new feel and a more enjoyable place to live.

If you want to go on a trip or take some time off, but don’t have a lot of spare money, you can look on websites like Air b’n’b, home swap, youth hostels or visit friends or family. You could start saving £20 a month and start searching things to do in that area for free. Just having plans in place and something to look forward to will drastically improve your mood and uplift you.

If what you want is to buy some new clothes that make you feel good and beautiful, I’m not suggesting you need to go and spend thousands, you could start with one or two pieces or you could buy second hand in a Charity shop/Thrift store or a vintage shop or even swap clothes with a friend. You may want to start even smaller than that and upgrade your underwear draw.

Do your towels need replacing? Do your photos need updating? Does your door squeak every time you open it? Have your curtain seen better days? Do your carpets need a good clean?

Upgrades don’t always have to cost money, but even if they do, don’t let that put you off. Money is a renewable resource and it will always flow to someone who has purpose and plans.

If you’re wondering where to start with your upgrades, I’d suggest start with the place that brings you the most unhappiness. It might be your diet, your friendships, your job, your finances, your dinnerware, your social life, any of the examples from above or something else.

Get your journal and take two minutes to think of two areas of your life that you’d like to upgrade and bring you more happiness. Once you’ve got your two areas, brainstorm all the ideas that you can think of that you’d consider as a doable upgrade. Now take action and put plans into place to make that happen!

Fill Your Cup

For a long time, I’ve struggled to find the right balance of work, play and rest.

I’m either using everything I have to push through to something I want, work 24/7 and end up burning out, or I’m ‘taking some time out‘ which actually means I’m procrastinating.

Recently, However, I really feel like I’ve found a sweet-spot. I make time for myself a priority, I love what I do for work but also have boundaries in place so I don’t work too much and I plan fun things to do with people I enjoy being around so I have a nice balance.

I’ve also found it helpful to not be too rigid in my weekly to-do’s. I list out all the things I have to do that week and do whatever I feel most compelled to do each day. Being so organised usually means I achieve much more than if I didn’t list everything, and because I’m being so productive, if I’m having a bad day and need some time to myself, or something comes up that I’d like to partake in, I know I can do that guilt-free because most (if not all) of my work is already done.

The saying goes “You can’t pour from an empty cup” and I totally agree. You can’t give what you don’t have to give. Filling your cup is so important. For a number of different reasons. It’s important for you, of course it is, but it’s also really beneficial to those around you too. Here’s what I notice about myself when I fill my cup.

  • I’m more motivated.
  • I’m more productive.
  • I’m happier and more optimistic.
  • I have more patience.
  • I’m kinder and sympathetic.
  • I keep to my boundaries better.
  • I’m more fun to be around.
  • I have great ideas (for business, days out, things to do, dinner).
  • I’m more attentive and affectionate to my loved ones.
  • I spend money more wisely.
  • I treat my body and my health better.
  • I feel more alive.

I mean, when I just ready that back, I thought to myself “Who wouldn’t want to feel like that? Why wouldn’t I fill my cup more often?

If only we took note of how we feel when we fill our cups. In whatever way that looks like for you. Travelling, skateboarding, cooking, cycling, live music, deep conversations, rom-coms, gardening, star-gazing, teapot collecting, jewelry making, toenail painting, car modifying, Youtube watching or fishing. It all counts to help us kick back and enjoy some of the the things we’re passionate about in life.

Let’s look at how you can fill your cup.
Sit somewhere quiet and think about these questions…

What lights up my soul and makes me heart sing?

What do I do when I want to relax?

What hobbies do I have that help me recharge, either physically or mentally?

Dealing with Failure

The number one reason why we never go after what we want is because we don’t believe it can be done.
We believe we will fail, we are not worthy, we don’t know how, we don’t have the right tools, resources, upbringing, family history, confidence, dress size, shoe size, hair length or whatever lame excuse we come up with.

We set ourselves up for failure before we’ve even begun. We don’t even give ourselves the chance to try.

I once heard this quote…
there is no such thing as failure. Only success or growth‘.

At first, it feels like something they just put on a poster in a sort of ‘everyone’s a winner‘ type thing. But stop and think about it.

We go through so much turbulence in life and it all helps us to learn and grow.

You wouldn’t walk into your first Spanish class and expect to be fluent in the language the first time you open your mouth.

When a baby is learning to walk, we don’t give up on her the first time she falls and say “Oh well, I guess this one’s not a walker“.

Instead, we provide love, patience and encouragement.

Imagine if we gave ourselves the same treatment.
Oh the miracles we would create!

It is true that you may not know how to do everything when you first set out. You may have to learn new skills, ask for outside help, look at things from a difference perspective, fall on your face in order to find what doesn’t work but everything you need is available to you.

The story goes that Isaac Newton “failed” over 9000 times before he successfully invented the light bulb.

Henry Ford argued with world-class engineers about whether it was possible to create the V8 motor or not. They experimented for years, proving again and again that he was “wrong” and it couldn’t be done before one day, Henry Ford was proved right. By the way, he had already gone bankrupt to prove he had already “failed“.

Simon Cowell was also very close to bankruptcy after his company went under. He spent his last bit of money getting a taxi to his parent’s house, praying the fare wouldn’t be more than £5 note in his hand. He got back up and went on to make millions.

Ray Charles started to loose his sight at the age of five, not long after watching his brother drown and by seven, was completely blind. He grew up to learn how to play the piano and became one of the worlds most loved singer-songwriters, all whilst being a blind, young black man in the south in the 1950’s and 1960’s. This man had so much stacked against him and decided he would follow his heart anyway.

Tererai Trent was born in a small African village in the West province. She was not allowed to go to school because her family were poor and being a female, she was only ever destined to be a wife so there was no need for an education. Undeterred, she taught herself from her brother’s books and started doing his homework too. Eventually, the teachers realised the homework was a much better quality than her brother’s school work and begged her father to allow Tererai to attend the school. She was there for only a short time before her father married her off in exchange for a cow. By 18 she had three young children and an abusive husband. Cut a long story short, she went to America with her five children and not only earned a bachelor’s degree and her master’s, but also a PhD too. She also works very passionately to helping young girls in Africa to receive an education and empower them with hope, possibilities and opportunities for their future.

Yes, there are people who have it easier than you. But there are also people who have it harder than you and have already decided they would go for it anyway.

Success leaves clues. Many have traveled before us and paved the way to make it easier for us.

Yes, you may get things wrong and have to course-correct, but remember, the only time you fail is when you don’t even try.

Is your heart calling you to do something? The secret to getting ahead is to get started. Do something now that will force you to get started. Tell someone and ask them to hold you accountable, share it with your community, sign up for the class, build the website, buy the materials or get out your pen and paper and brainstorm how to make it work.
Whatever you do, do it now. Time waits for no man (or woman).

6 Steps to Releasing Negative Emotions

When we have uncomfortable emotions, we tend to do whatever we can to numb them or distract ourselves because we don’t want to feel, well, uncomfortable.

But when we do this, we suppress it and it bubbles under the surface and builds like a pressure cooker.

What we often forget is that our emotions are there to tell us something important and we can’t be fully free until we address what they’re trying to tell us.

I used to think I could counterbalance negative emotions with positive thoughts. That if I would just re-frame a negative emotion in a positive way or look for and focus on all the blessings and good things that I have in my life, then the bad feeling would go.

But as I said, emotions are there to tell you something, and they rarely leave until they feel heard and acknowledged. In all honesty, there’s not really any negative emotions, just emotions that we feel uncomfortable with and attach a story to that we label ‘negative‘.

It’s very common now for people to identify as an emotion. For example, I often hear “I’m depressed”, “I’m lonely” or “I’m so anxious right now”.
When you place the words “I am” in front on an emotion, you send a command to your subconscious mind that directs all your unconscious decision making (which counts for about 90-95% of all decision making) towards a certain destiny. This then triggers your Reticular Activating System (RAS- remember we spoke about this in You Don’t Have to Believe a Belief) to notice all the things in your environment and look for pieces of ‘evidence’ for reasons why you should feel more of that emotion which you followed with ‘I am’.

A much more empowering, and less self-sabotaging way to express your emotions is by replacing “I am..” with “I’m feeling…”
By saying “I’m feeling lonely” or “I’m feeling depressed” you are no longer identifying as the emotion but you’re identifying with it.
This is not a question about suppressing your emotions or identifying as an emotion, but recognising that it’s something you are experiencing in this moment. Even if it’s a long moment, no human has any one permanent emotion so it’s impossible to be depression but you can feel depressed. It’s normal and healthy for people to experience a range of emotions even though some last longer than others and by changing your language, you change your mindset which then changes your perspective and ultimately changes your thoughts and behaviors.

So, how do we sit with our emotions and allow them to come through?

Well, that all depends on you and what you are feeling… Sorry.

Step 1
Some great ways to dig a little deeper into your emotions are. firstly, allow the emotion. Don’t try to stop or silence it. Allow the emotion to have it’s moment. Allow the sadness, anxiety, fear or whatever it is you’re feeling.
I always remember my Nan telling “It’s ok to cry. Sometimes you just need a good cry.”

Step 2
Next, ask yourself “What is this emotion trying to tell me?”
You might get the answer straight away, you might have to ask yourself a few times or you might not understand the reason just yet, but by asking yourself, you’re telling your subconscious mind that you are looking for the answer.

Step 3
Something I learned to discover hidden emotions was free-writing. This basically means I put a pen to paper and I just start writing. Most of the time, I don’t even know what I’m about to write, but it usually starts with something along the lines of “I’m not feeling good at the moment. I feel…” and then I just continue writing without judgement or too much thought about what is about to come out.
Sometimes, I get stuck when writing, and if you do too, try some of these prompts
– When is the earliest time I remember feeling like this?
– What could this emotion be telling me/trying to protect me from? How can I use this information to move forward?
– How do I want to feel? How can I get there?
– What do I need to let go of to feel good?
– What do I need to do to get closer to releasing this emotion?
– Is there anything I need to address before I’m ready to release this emotion?
It has also been found helpful and liberating, by many people, to then, safely, burn the paper to really enforce that letting go declaration.

Step 4
There’s no easy way to say this, especially if you have resistance to it, but in order to receive an answer, you need to get quiet and listen.
Meditation is the fastest, most direct, healthiest way to receive balance and peace in your life. It’s not all bare feet and chanting “Om” in the lotus position. But quieten the outside noise, go within and you can absolutely receive intuitive downloads from your subconscious, the universe, god, or whatever you believe in.
You can set an intention before you start (something like, ‘I wish to feel lighter’ or ‘I wish to release this emotion’) or you can repeat a mantra during your practice (For example, ‘peace’, ‘healing’ or ‘love’) to help you draw in that energy.
Tip: It’s handy to have a pen and paper nearby when you finish your meditation practice as you may often receive information or insights about what the emotion is trying to tell you or what you need to do next.

Step 5
By this point, you still might not have an answer, and that’s ok. Now is the time to consciously let it go.
Have you ever heard the phrase:

It’s ok to visit sadness, but don’t move in.


Allow your emotions to sit with you, but don’t make them too comfortable

You’ve now allowed emotions your some time in the spot light but now it’s time to let your subconscious do some inner work. In the meantime, it’s time to allow your mind some rest. Emotions can be draining and you’ve dug really deep which can be exhausting. Now we’re going to make a shift to invite the old emotion to leave and allow a different (hopefully more positive) emotion to take it’s place.
Go for a run, do some yoga, watch a funny film, put on some upbeat music and clean your home, plan a fun activity (either by yourself or with friends), take a nap or anything else that allows you to take a mental break, but also benefits you in some way. This is not a chance for you to numb or ‘forget’ your troubles with alcohol, drugs or other sabotaging means. We’re just allowing a shift by doing something that will positively impact us in some way.

Step 6
You’ve done some really uncomfortable reflection. So I want you to really acknowledge yourself.
This step is really just about being kind to yourself.
You may now feel lighter and free from your negative emotion. You may not. Sometimes you may need to repeat these steps numerous times before you feel the full benefit.
Again, be kind and allow yourself the time to heal. There is no time-limit or even time-frame on any given emotion.
Also, it’s useful to remember that we are very likely to revisit the emotions that we’ve already released. This is normal. Depending on what you are experiencing in your life will determine what emotions arise for you and as I said before, it’s healthy for people to have a wide range of emotions.
Anxiety, depression, fear, anger, conflict, disappointment, loneliness, blame, regret, resentment or any other emotion that is causing you discomfort, is normal emotion. Let me repeat that. It’s normal. Ok, it might not be helpful but it is normal because it’s trying to tell you that there is something deeper that needs addressing.
The good news is, now you have the tools and a system you can use to help you address your emotions in a healthy and helpful way.

What uncomfortable emotions are you experiencing that may need addressing? What is holding you back or making you behave in a way that’s preventing happiness or peace in your life?
Take 2 minutes now to quietly ask yourself “What am I not dealing with?”

"New Year, New Me" Or Is It?

Surely it can’t just be me who gets fed up of the “New year, new me” posts on social media?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people empowering themselves and making changes to improve their lives, and I’ll even be your biggest cheerleader. What I have a problem with is that most of these people saying “New year, new me” never actually do anything new.

How can you continue doing the same things you done last year, but expect a new outcome? The clue is in the title. New things have to be done.

I have clients come to me daily saying they want change, they want to be this or do that, but when you ask them “What are you currently doing to make that happen?” More often than not, I get the same reply. Nothing.

Which, actually, is a great starting point and often the realisation alone is enough to open their eyes. But I still think it makes a really good point.

We ask for change in our lives ‘I want to be thinner‘, ‘I want to be richer‘, ‘I want to have more confidence‘, ‘I want to learn a new language‘. We ask for change for weeks, months and even years without actually making any changes.

Even when we make one or two changes, things get hard or we don’t get the results we want, and so we give up and say things like “It’s just not meant to be” or “I’m just not built like that“. When in reality, we haven’t tried very hard at all and so, it leaves me with the question, Do you really want the change you’re asking for?

In order to change, you need to make changes. Some may work better than others, but the way you’re currently doing things isn’t working so great, which is why you’re desiring change.

The only reason you have the desire for change is because, at a deeper level, you know that its available to you. I’ve never heard of anyone feeling depressed because the wings they want to fly aren’t spouting out of their shoulder blades. It’s just not possible. But your desires are!

If you didn’t think it was possible, you wouldn’t want it. Ok, it might not be easy, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have it.

So how committed are you?

How much do you want it?

If you need some help along the way, it’s not too late to sign up for Rhi-vive Your Mindset to help you get into a more problem-solving mindset with a can-do attitude. Because you can do it. I know you can!

Let’s just talk about possibilities for a second.
I want you brain-storm IDEAS. At this point, it’s only ideas and possibilities that are options you COULD take, if you chose to.

Brain-storm as many ideas as you can possibly think that could help bring on the change that you want. No idea is too small or too obvious.

Next, I want you highlight just 3 that you could implement into your life right now without too much aggravation or disruption.

Now pick one that you will act on TODAY. And do it.